I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
