What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
