Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
