My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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