So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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