My first STD was from a foam party
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
