If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
