I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
