dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
we should paint friendship bongs
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
