I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
