Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
