he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
