He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
