I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
