Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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