i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
