Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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