I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
