You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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