You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
