First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
