She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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