Your face is a jimmy john
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
