I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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