we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize