he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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