u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
