Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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