Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
