Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
