Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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