I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
