The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Less talking, more tequila
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
