I just googled if crying burns calories
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
