I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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