This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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