I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have aggressive nipples.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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