I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
