When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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