I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
