I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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