You smell like a Billy Joel song
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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