I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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