I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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