I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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