So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
