The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
