Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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