While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
