What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
