I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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