"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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