so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
