Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
