She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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