Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
