she smelled like a LAN party
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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