somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I am naked and annoyed.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
