I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
