there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
