No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
