Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
